postpartum depression and divorce Archives

How Has Postpartum Depression Affected Your Marriage or Relationships?

9. How has postpartum depression affected your marriage or relationships?

It was really tough at first, but my husband is amazing. He’s been so supportive and I know it’s been tough for him too because he works nearly 60 hours a week. He tries to take over with the kids as often as he can. – Vanessa

Yes. Without a doubt it has affected my marriage. I didn’t feel love for myself (which really is so important for overcoming postpartum depression) or for others. I didn’t care about sex with my husband but he needed it. I was too tired to take time to talk with him or just play with him like we did when we were dating; laughing and having fun! Our marriage has suffered, but I finally saw what it was truly doing, what it would result in if I would continue to neglect our marriage. It was eye opening, I’m changing. It’s slow, but I’ll take slow positive change over no change or negative change any day. – Anonymous

It was very hard on both of us for a while, fortunately my husband also works in mental health so he understands. However I would say we are now very close again and work much better as a team these days. It has made me distant from several friends and family members. They are not worth my time when I’m well if they don’t accept me when I’m ill. It has made me very close to one or two friends who kept me going through the darkest times. This has been the best part because I feel I’ve rediscovered their friendship all over again. I love them so much. – Alexandra

It has ruined my relationship. I was controlling, paranoid and scared I made choices without thinking about him. We fight and have been struggling financially because I couldn’t keep a job. We both lost who we were. Things today are still hard. – Amber

It has made me so distant from my husband. I feel so terrible, but all I can think about is my baby and worrying if he is okay. – Anonymous

I feel alienated or I alienate myself because I feel weird or different than my friends. It can be a drain on my relationship. – Nicole

It has brought us closer because he has been so supportive through this journey. – Anonymous

No one understands that it wasn’t weakness, I nearly died from my symptoms. It was biochemical and the most terrifying thing in existence. It was like I had entered hell. – Brittany

I told my husband what I was going through he didn’t understand and still really doesn’t but he’s been by my side the whole time. Hes an amazing husband. – Jodi

I distance myself or I’m angry at my partner for nothing. He is very helpful. – Anonymous

It was the reason for my separation. Although we are currently working things out. – Ashley G.

It was hard on my marriage. I don’t feel like my husband handled it well but we tried to work through it. – Anonymous

It has been super tough on my marriage. You tend to really isolate yourself when you have PPD. – Amanda

It was very difficult. If I had been with any other person we wouldn’t have made it. My husband did anything and everything he could to help me. He never threatened to leave me or take my baby. He even had talk therapy to help understand what I was going through. – Anonymous

My husband was unbelievably helpful and thoughtful. He was so worried and I believe it brought us closer together. – Katy

My relationship has survived both cases. But it does take a toll when you are in the worst of it. It takes a toll on everyone involved. – Samantha

My husband was very supportive and he understood what I was going thru. It was hard for him too because he didn’t see what I was seeing. I saw myself as a failure and in his own words he saw a strong mother and wife. – Anonymous

Husband doesn’t understand. He listens but doesn’t get it. We bicker, but nothing too bad. – Melissa

Badly. – Marcella

It put a huge strain on our marriage for months. – Anonymous

It has made it a little tough because in the beginning I felt gross and not attractive. I felt like since I’m breastfeeding, my hubby wouldn’t like my non perky boobs anymore. He had to remind me that he loves me and thinks I’m even more beautiful because I gave him our daughter. – Emily

I feel like it made us stronger because I became more vulnerable. It broke down my tough exterior. – Lorena from Motherhood Unfiltered

I feel like the first time it really hurt my marriage because my husband couldn’t understand. The second time, it brought us closer together. – Chelsea

Well my sex drive is down, that for sure. Thankfully, I have a very understanding husband. My family doesn’t really grasp PPD – they are of the old school mindset that you should just smile and pick yourself up; that it’ll eventually get better. They don’t understand how much it stings when they make a sarcastic comment about me being in my pajamas or some other such thing. I am thankful they all like 2 hours away – it gives me a buffer to between myself and then to help keep me sane. – Kathryn

Actually made it stronger. – Anonymous

I feel as though I do not give my husband the time and care he deserves he is so supportive and my relationship with my kids is crumbling. We are always arguing because I lose it so quickly, which then makes me sad and I tend to pull away from them all. – Krista

I don’t think it did. – Karen from Pregnancy and Postpartum Mental Health of Lancaster County

I feel guilty a lot for what I feel like is unnecessary drama that my husband has to deal with, but he has been super understanding and supportive. He never complains, and when I’m struggling, he’s always the first to ask when I last ate, did I take my meds, how much water have I had to drink. – Leah Elizabeth from Lottie & Me

It’s came between my marriage quite a lot. – Jessica

It was very hard on my marriage. Took almost a year and a half to recover from it without the use of any medications all on my own. This was 24 years and 20 years ago. Made it very hard to make the decision to have the second child because I knew I would have it again. And I did. – Theresa

My marriage is suffering. Hard. I am mourning the loss of the woman I was for 27 years. And my husband is too. And we still don’t know where this leaves us. This is something I have not figured out yet, and it’s a side effect of PPD that deserves more discussion. – Amanda from Mom Like Me

Yes. My husband has been a trooper through all of this but I know he gets hurt by things I say to him and gets frustrated with me because of mood swings. Friends think I’m crazy or get offended because I’m not my bubbly self. – Anonymous

Things just aren’t like they used to be before PPD. – Jacqueline from Planning in the Deep

I feel like my fiancé is heartbroken every time he looks at me .– Haylie

Though of divorce DAILY but also realized I don’t have the time or sanity to even go to the bathroom never mind organize a divorce (we’re still happily married but that time was friggin’ rough!) – Crystal from Heart and Home Doula

Greatly. I was withdrawn with most of my friends and with my husband. – Anonymous

My medication decreases my sex drive. – Anonymous

So many fights between my partner and I that have escalated into violence at times. – Anonymous

It caused my marriage some major hiccups. My husband didn’t understand what was going on and thought I didn’t love our baby, which is obviously not true. – Anonymous

I hated my husband for about a year and a half and seriously considered divorcing him. – Eda

My relationship has been rocky from the start which in of itself has greatly affected my depression. Relationships all around seem superficial and I feel like no one understands. My kids don’t see me happy and smiling. – Anonymous

My husband didn’t experience my first three cases of PPD, but has already seen, 12 weeks in to this pregnancy, how I have changed due to the illness creeping in. I act out in rage often, and he frequently says he’s never seen me like this. It’s straining, but he’s understanding. – Kathleen

I’m much more on edge, quick to think he’s judging me. I don’t want to be touched. – Stephanie

It was very hard on the marriage at first, I had no sex drive and was angry at my husband for not doing more. It took me a long time to accept that no matter how much he did – he would never be the mom. I am mom. I was also very isolated from other moms and my closest friends and family did not have children so it created a huge rift. My sister and I actually grew apart so much and it was devastating but I gave up on our relationship for a while. Luckily her and I had the desire to reconnect and we went to therapy together to bridge the divide. -Yonat from Embodied Therapy Santa Rosa

I can’t connect and I struggle relating to my husband. I see him on a different level. I feel disconnected. I can be happy and laugh with him but keep to myself with my inner struggles. – Beth

Nothing puts strain on a relationship like mental health issues.

One of the biggest problems with postpartum depression for many women is that disconnected feeling. We isolate ourselves, withdraw socially and close up our emotions. Basically, we do exactly the opposite of what you’re supposed to do in a loving relationship. But it’s difficult to communicate with someone who just doesn’t understand what’s happening to us. Like us, our spouses expected to live happily ever after once baby arrived. Postpartum depression destroyed their worlds, too.

What can we do to change this?

Education can make such a difference. New and expectant fathers should do their best to learn about the symptoms of postpartum depression as well, so that they know how to help support their partners. The better a person can understand mental illness, the easier it will be to handle situations like rage, extreme mood swings or suicidal ideations. No one should have to battle postpartum depression alone.

To The Husbands of the Women With Postpartum Depression

It’s not easy to love a woman with postpartum depression.

We know that it’s tough on the husbands of women with postpartum depression. The same goes for all of the boyfriends, fiances, significant others and baby daddies. Not only are they thrust into this new role of caring for a child, but they’ve had to watch the woman they love suffer, possibly for 9 long months followed by intense labor. And then postpartum depression on top of all of that?

It’s common for new fathers to feel completely helpless when it comes to pregnancy, labor and breastfeeding . If they could carry some of the burden for us, we know they would.

Here are some things that we wish we could say to the husbands of the women with postpartum depression.

Thank you.

We say it all the time, nearly everyday, in every possible situation. But this time, we truly mean it. Thank you from the depths of our soul. Thank you for giving us this incredible gift of motherhood, even if we’d like a refund some days. Thank you for noticing that something wasn’t right. Thank you for cancelling those dinner plans when you knew we didn’t want to go. Thank you for being in our corner. Thank you for completely understanding, without understanding at all.

We need you.

We act like we don’t need you, like we can do everything ourselves and say that we’d be better off on our own. But it’s not true. That’s the postpartum depression talking. We need you now more than you will ever know.

13 Things About Postpartum Depression All New Moms Need to Know — .

It’s okay if you don’t get it.

How could we ever expect you to understand what it’s like? We know you don’t get it, but we love that you support us anyway. You don’t need to say anything clever or important. Even though it might go against your nature as a man, you don’t need to fix us. It’s okay that you can’t make it better or make it go away. We don’t think any less of you for feeling helpless.

Your role is important too.

Dads simply don’t get enough credit when it comes to parenting. Moms are normally at the forefront of the physical, emotional and mental battle that comes with bringing up children. But we want our husbands to know that their role as fathers are just as important as our roles as mothers.

You may not be able to breastfeed the baby, but supporting us in doing it (or deciding not to do it) helps more than you realize. The way you play with the children when you get home from work makes us feel a little less guilty about ignoring them all day. Your ability to pick up the slack and not make us feel bad about it takes a huge weight off our shoulders. The truth is, we couldn’t do any of this without you.

We’re sorry for yelling at you.

Sometimes you’re just an innocent bystander and sometimes you’ve done something to deserve it, but we get angry a lot these days. It’s harder to control our emotions and it doesn’t take much to make us frustrated, angry, irritated or annoyed. Our crowded, heavy minds don’t even realize how irrational we sound most of the time. We only take it out on you because we trust you. We know that you can handle it and hope you don’t take it personally.

You are our safe place.

All day long we have to be strong and put on a fake smile. And when we finally see you, we let it all out because you are where we feel the safest. We are not afraid to be vulnerable around you because we know how much you love us. It may sound like we’re on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but really, it’s just emotional vomit. We need to get it all out to feel better, and thankfully you’re there to hold back our hair.

14 Ways to Help A Mother with Postpartum Depression — .

We are trying to save you.

We feel like we’re drowning and we don’t want to drag you down with us. We push you away, not because we don’t love you, but because we love you too much to see you suffer. There is no point in both of us being miserable, so instead we keep you at a distance. We are trying to push you further and further away from the dark cloud that follows us.

We really need that self care time.

It doesn’t seem fair because we know everyone enjoys alone time. After a long day of work, we’re sure you need some alone time too. It’s not that we don’t understand that. It’s that working a job and raising kids are two different types of work for you. But for us, it’s the same job over and over and over again, without escape. So being away from the constant chatter of our world is like taking a breath of fresh air after holding it in all day long. Having that time away to do what we need to do makes such a huge difference for us.

None of this is fair.

Why me? Why us? None of this is fair and we both deserve better. Our dream of having a family was so much brighter than this. If we could reverse time and re-do it, would it turn out any different? We don’t know why or how we got postpartum depression. And it wasn’t anything you or I did wrong. But here we are. These are the cards we’ve been dealt.

Please don’t let go.

Somewhere along the path to parenthood we got lost. We will eventually find our way back but it will be so much easier if we do it together. We don’t want you to feel sorry for us, and we don’t want you to treat us any differently. We’re still somewhere inside of here and with a little help, we can be us again. We just need you to hold our hands and never let it go no matter what we do. Because we may do some pretty horrible things that we will come to regret (and please don’t remind us of or punish us for those things once we’re better.) Just stay and be here and listen and love us.

Gifts for Mothers with Postpartum Depression — .

To all the husbands of the women with postpartum depression…

You are our heroes but we don’t treat you like one. We say demeaning things in fits of rage. We confess shocking intrusive thoughts and threaten to do things completely out of character. Perhaps you have a suicide hotline on speed dial or keep a closer eye on us these days. Yes, we are struggling hard to cope with our mental illness and yet, you remain our rock and our beacon of light. We love you for that. We love that you have our backs and that we will never be alone, no matter how lonely we feel. You are important to us, even if we don’t say or show it.

Heather’s Postpartum Depression Story

Continue reading “Heather’s Postpartum Depression Story”